Personal Banking the muppet way

I'm so mad right now.. and i don't mean in the fun muppet loopy lalalalalala crazy way I usually am either.

I mean I'm really. Fucking. Mad.

I've had one absolute cunt of a day.

I mean, seriously, do you THINK I do my job just so you can ring me up about your husband's account, which, by the way, is finalised, and you have no fucking right to any information on, and enjoy it when you ring me and abuse the shit out of me coz YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW INTEREST WORKS?

Okay, for those of you that don't know how interest works, I'll give you the muppet's guide to interest for retards (ie: this is how it makes sense in my fucking head, so it should make sense to everyone else):

Interest is calculated daily.

This means that every day, a little bit of interest grows on your account.

Interest is then charged at the end of the billing cycle.

This means that every day, a little bit of interest grows on your account, and then, when it's stopped growing when your statement is printed, it's added to the bottom of your bank statement.

Then the cycle starts again, from $0 interest on the next month's statement.

This means that the interest you currently have on your bill, will now incur it's own amount of interest. Why? Because even though it is interest, it now becomes part of your principal amount, or for retards like me.. the technical term for this amount is.. dum da daaaaaa "THE BALANCE".

If you still can't figure it out - principal is the amount of money that you have used on your account.

Your fees, too, become part of your principal. They also incur an amount of interest, which is charged at the current rate on whatever fucked up stupid retarded bit of plastic you have in your wallet that has 16 numbers on it that for some reason, most cunts can't fucking read the first time.

Okay so..

this is how it works -

You open a credit card. You activate the card, then you get charged an annual fee because now your card is active, the bank figures you're going to spend money. You'll get sent a statement requesting a minimum monthly payment, that payment is usually equal to 2% of the balance, or $10 - depending on which is higher.

You make your payment by the due date, you won't get charged a fucking late fee. Don't bitch to me that "oh well it was just $10.. i thought I'd pay it next month"

No. That doesn't work. You get a card, you read the rules, you find out that when it says "Payment due by.." it really DOES mean "payment due by.." It does not mean, in any way shape or form "payment due by.. but hey if you feel like paying it next month, that's okay, coz like.. we enjoy writing rules for nothing yeah?"

Your card WILL suspend after a number of days past the payment date IF YOU HAVE NOT MADE YOUR PAYMENT BY THAT DATE. Yes, that is correct. It will suspend. It's a temporary suspension. Don't ring me and say "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CLOSE MY ACCOUNT YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKERS I HATE YOU BOO HOO GIVE ME BACK MY WOWWYPOP" coz it's a SUSPENSION!

Remember when you were at school, and your mates got suspended for a day or three? Basically, credit cards work th e same way.

You get caught smoking numerous times, you get suspended for one day. Think of that as your Overnight Suspension. With cards, if you can't use your card today, but make a payment at a branch for the requested payment amount, you will have your card back tomorrow. Why? Because you're paying directly, in cash, into an account. This does not apply if you use a cheque. The cheque needs to clear. Do you understand this? It needs to fucking clear. If it's a business cheque, it will take 3 business days (NOT INCLUDING WEEKENDS THEY ARE NOT BUSINESS DAYS EVEN THO SUPERMARKETS ARE OPEN ON THEM..) and if it's a personal cheque, it's gonna take 5 business days (see above bracketed rant about what a business day is.)

Now, think of your mates again, they get into a punch on and get suspended for 2 days, the first day being on Friday. Does this mean that they'll go back to school on saturday? No. It does not. It means that they'll be going to school in the next week, 2 days after friday, which is TUESDAY.

This is generally how bpay payments to your card works. You have a suspended account, you make a bpay to your card on friday, we advise you that your card will not be available to you over the weekend, and that it will be available the next business evening after midnight (which is 12:01am Tuesday morning), and you crack the fucking sads.

I told you to go into a branch, but it's not my fault you're a lazy fuck.

Next time, stop sitting at your pc on the fucking internet surfing for gay midget clown porn, and get your ass to a branch and DEPOSIT CASH INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. You know why? Coz it means that the account will actually update overnight on the friday night and LO AND BEHOLD YOU'LL HAVE YOUR CARD BACK ON SATURDAY, thus enabling you to buy buttplugs and random other crap off ebay, as well as signing up for your latest dose of "Didgeridoo spectacular". I don't give a fuck how big your didgeridoo is. Get over it.

So anyway, back to the idiot that abused me.

I attempted to explain how interest works. She couldn't understand.

Scenario:

Cardholder phones the bank and requests a payout figure for the 8th of the month. He then advises us that it is being paid via Business cheque. When we calculate the payout figure to the 8th of the month, we also include an extra 3 days ontop to cover any incurred interest up until and including the date that the cheque clears. This means that there will be a small amount of interest charged at the end of the month to your statement, but it also means that the payout figure you were originally given, has taken your account into a positive credit balance, therefore when the interest is charged at the end of the statement cycle, it clears up your account and finalises it at a $0 balance.

It does not mean that you are being charged interest twice. No, it doesn't. It means that your interest is being CALCULATED up until and INCLUDING the date that your cheque clears, finalising all outstanding amounts and bringing your account into a credit balance. It then means that when your statement cycles a few weeks later, that your INTEREST IS CHARGED AT THE END OF THE MONTH. Please refer to above.

Calculated daily, Charged MONTHLY. Yes. Interest is like a period - it comes once a month and gives you the fucking shits the whole time it's around.

Just because you're a retard and can't figure out that saying "when we got the payout figure, we took into account that it'd take 3 days to clear and we covered the interest so our account was finalised then" is just fucking retarded. Coz no, it wasn't. Your account was finalised at the END of your statement CYCLE, which is when your statement gets printed and your interest is CHARGED.

I went around and around in circles forever with this stupid idiot before I finally lost it. Yup, I cracked sads real bad and pretty much said "I'm not going to continue this conversation with you, you obviously don't understand what I'm saying, even though I'm the one that works at a bank and knows how interest works, and you're a moron and can't figure it out". She then abused me some more, called me a few names, and then SCREECHED into my ear when I told her I'm not going to discuss the account again with her a 2nd time "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING STUPID CUNT FUCK OFF".

You know what? I hung up. So screw you, silly cow.

I hope that you really REALLY enjoy the 10 different brochures I sent you via our brochure system at work today. One of them, surprisingly enough, was titled something like "Understanding Credit Card Interest"

Yeah, I sent 10 of them.

Bah.

She made me mad omg! I never EVER fucking get abused, and usually if I do, we're best mates by the end of the call. This is the first time that I have EVER been verbally abused at work by a customer, who DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT PEANUTS COZ SHE WASN'T THE FUCKING PRIMARY CARD HOLDER.

Yeah, the privacy policy states that only certain amounts of information can be divulged to a secondary card holder. Sucks to be them.

I bet her husband gets abused and then ordered to call us back with her screaming and ranting in the background about how shit our customer service department is. We're only as shit as the customers that abuse us lady. So, in your case, we're a bad bout of diahorrea. Fuck. You.

I asked my supervisor if I could note down that I thought this lady was a bitch troll from the 7th dimension of hell, but he told me that it might not be such a great idea, so I didn't. I wanted to tho.